dead, but not forgotten
...
15th: Hana Suzuki, District Six.
Oh, Hana, where do I even begin? I was attached to you almost as soon as I received you for this story - a girl who'd been so beaten down by life and exhausted by everything she'd seen in her life (the drug habits of her home district, her mother's death, her father's spiral into depression) and yet so good-natured and idealistic in spite of her grief. You brought warmth into the lives of everyone you met, touched their hearts and spirits in ways that will remain long after your death because you were just such a kind-hearted, compassionate, altruistic person. Your legacy will be your love, because you gave it in spades to everyone around you, even when it was in your better interest not to. I will always admire your positivity and your kindness, and I hope that in death you'll have a chance to reconnect with your mother and be at peace in your rest. Rest in peace, baby girl, you were truly too good for this world.
14th: Moses Kiwano, District Eleven.
Mo, I cannot express how sorry I am for putting you through what I did. Your fear and internal turmoil are painful to recognize, painful to read, and even more painful to write, despite how infinitely understandable they are; I sympathized with you more than almost any other tribute in Centrifuge. You were just this terribly sad, confused, lost kid, so desperately fearful of the evils of the world and so desperately afraid of losing the good of it that your mindset was at times nearly impossible to pull back from. There was no character in this story more capable of pulling at my heartstrings than you, and though I unfortunately ended your story here, the loss, love and immense concern you displayed for the people around you shone through even in your death. You were defined by your fear, and yet underneath your anxiety was a heart capable of so much love and a mind capable of so much thought and a person capable of so much spirit, empathy and longing that it crushes me to realize you're now gone. I want to believe that you went to your rest knowing how brave you truly are.
13th: Wallis Jenkins, District Three.
Wallis, I cannot state enough how unique, how intelligent and witty and awkward and oddly lovable I found you. There was something about your form that charmed me the moment I received it - perhaps it was your habitual quirks, your lack of comprehension when it came to social cues, your difficulty with processing emotions despite your tendencies toward infatuation, or your boundless dedication to uncovering the mysteries of everything around you which was unknown - I'm not sure. Perhaps it was because, as someone also on the spectrum, I simply found you relatable, and knew as soon as I brought you and Katya together exactly where I wanted your development to go. You were this aloof, reticent, haughty-seeming oddball who so many people found offputting because your mannerisms and attitude didn't align with what they considered to be "acceptable" - pairing you up with the rebel felt suitable, despite your disdain for rebellion in general. And it was through that connection, the greater sense of individualism and the self-love and validation for non-conformity that Katya brought that you were able to form a genuine connection - one of the first you really had, outside of your family - and realize that even if there were people who would scorn you for your differences (eg. Metris, Kyrell) there were people who would accept you, too. I loved seeing you open up and grow within your own expressions and feelings as this story went along, and though I miss you greatly, I'm glad that you were able to go without self-doubt and without questions; like Hana, I hope that you find peace.
12th: Katarzyna Belikov, District Five.
Katya, I have enough evidence to back the claim that just about everyone who met you fell in love with you. Whether it was Kiril and Vojislav back in Five, Wallis in the Hunger Games, or the number of readers who dm'ed me after your POVs to talk about how fantastic you were and how they wanted to marry you, it's safe to say that your charm - your quirky, rebellious, genuine charm - won over everyone who had the pleasure of interacting with you. It won me over as well. Ending your story so early was incredibly difficult for me to do, and even more difficult to read over after I first put it in print - your spirit and your sense of humor made you a standout among an already standout cast. You were just this unstoppable force of nature, a girl with so much tenacity and so much love and so much scintillating wit that you completely blew over everyone in your path and left them full of questions, full of awe, full of respect. I have no doubt that had you more time on your side, you would've taken District Five by storm; transformed the exhausted aura and dull traditions of a home you loathed as much as you cared for into something vibrant through your sheer presence, because in truth you had the charisma and the intellect to do anything you wanted so long as your mind was set to it. The world will be so much gloomier without you in it - but your spirit will never fade from the lives of the people you knew and the places you went. You've left an impression on Panem through sheer force of will and fuck, is there anything more stan-worthy than that? RIP Miss Katya Belikov, I will always love you!
11th: Noa Malloy, District Nine.
Noa, there’s a lot I could say about you - about your observant and genuine nature, your quiet and covert brand of altruism, the care that you truly did place in everything you did regardless of circumstance. You were a truly good person; though you struggled at times with personal doubt and wariness in relation to others, you had such a kind spirit and a loving heart, and even though you weren’t much of a talker, it was your demure sense of resolve and your gentile camaraderie that I think truly drew others close to you. Everyone who interacted with you, regardless of their personal flaws, their individual histories or their subjective beliefs, ended up developing respect for your skill and your stability. You could be critical and vigilant and even judgmental at times, but your even temper and your steadfast determination to honor your roots and the differences between yourself and those around you made you incredibly endearing. Although I never felt quite as attached to you as I did some of the others in this cast, you truly grew on me the more time that I spent examining your background and trying to get into your mind. Compared to the people you were surrounded by - Aster, Cel, Sevilin, Grey - your personality was so muted, so subtle, and so stable that it managed to set you apart from everyone else, and in that contrast it became evident just how mature and wise beyond your years you were. I’m very lucky to have gotten to know you, even though it took some time to slip behind your walls and see you for the inured and enduring person that you were. Rest in peace, Noa Malloy - your loss will be felt deeply by your District and all who met you.
10th: Grey Patten, District One.
Grey, I don't think it's wrong for me to admit that you were one of the most difficult characters for me to write. You were such a complex and nuanced sort of person, with this personality that was just as soft as it was rigid, addled by insecurities, self-consciousness and self-doubt while still being somewhat rigid, willful and frigid from an outsider's perspective. I don't think many people ever got to see the real you, in part because you were too nervous to let them, and in some way that might just be the biggest tragedy of all because the Grey Patten that you knew - the girl who existed within your own mind, the one who had so many flaws but even more virtues, hidden dreams and secret corners of her identity yet to be realized - was beautiful. You were beautiful. And yet it was so hard for you to see that, with other people always telling you to be a certain way, act a certain way, forcing you to conform to their beliefs and standards in order to be accepted. You had so much to offer the world just by being who you were, but society made you feel like an outsider for your own feelings, to the point where you could no longer divorce the person you wanted to be from the person you thought you needed to be. Though you didn't have the boldest personality or the loudest voice in this story, I came to truly admire your subtleties and your moments of inflection for the heart - and strength - they showed. While so many people expected you to crack beneath the pressure of the Games, you never did; you reflected, you worried, you learned, and for a short time, you even started to open up, letting your walls down just enough for some of your allies - Noa and Varsen - to admire the conscientious warrior inside your reticence. Before I let you go, I want you to know that you were worthy, in every possible way. You always have been - and I wish that you had a chance to see yourself as I see you: beautiful.
9th: Maxim Rafisky, District Two.
Maxim… oh, Maxim. Your death hit me the hardest, and for reasons that are as obvious as they are personal. I knew who you were from the first moment I wrote you; your mind and mine felt so similar that at times I simply became subsumed in your self-doubt, your shame, your melancholy… and to be honest, although I knew I would end your story here, I never wanted to let go of you. I still don’t. Because in the mess of your self-deprecating sarcasm, bitter humor and utter unhappiness regarding the background you came from (as well as the person you grew into), there was a tortured soul struggling to move on from his defeats and accept himself. And that’s what I admired about you: no matter how much you struggled, how much you lapsed into guilt over your problems or continued to perpetuate your cycle of self-sabotage through your behaviors, you always - always - persisted in your desire to better yourself. You may have wrestled with depression and anger and addiction but you never gave in fully to any of your vices, no matter how much a part of you desired to. You fought for your own growth even though at times you weren’t even certain what it was you were fighting for or what it was that you wanted out of life, and though I’m not sure you ever truly managed to escape the moratorium of identity you were plunged into, I think you managed to do something far greater in your final moments. The decisions you made in the Games helped you come to terms with yourself - it’s true that you never truly escaped your monsters or fully moved past your regrets, but before you died you accepted your flaws for what they were; a part of yourself, and one that you kept trying to escape from rather than acknowledge. Though the legacy you leave behind is one of great loss and turmoil, I hope you can find peace in knowing, regardless of how her story turns out, Isabelle’s life was irrevocably changed by the kindness you showed her… and that your brother will indeed miss you.
8th: Varsen Santana, District One.
You were never supposed to live. I went into this story fully intending to kill you - and fully prepared to enjoy killing you, if I'm being honest - and yet you managed to fuck everything up anyway. Are you happy about that? Chaos is your brand, I suppose, and subverting expectations is practically your gods-given hobby. Perhaps it's fitting that you managed to pull a fast one not just with the entirety of Panem, but with me, the writer. I mean, fuck, what do I even say here? Congratulations, asshole? Seriously, Varsen, fuck you.
(I'm way too attached to you for my own good.)
7th: Leiothrix Dogwood, District Seven.
Pending.
6th: Cel Perdanez, District Four.
Pending.
5th: Padma Youssef, District Ten.
Pending.
4th: Sevilin Verrillo, District Four.
Pending.
***
Finalists
Unknown. Isabelle Harmony, District Two.
Pending.
Unknown. Merrick Aldaine, District Six.
Pending.
Unknown. Sephtis Adeyemi, District Ten.
Pending.
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